So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Sunday, February 06, 2005

If car dealerships were computer shops...

If car dealerships were run like computer shops, a few things would be noticeably different:

1. You could walk in and say "i'd like to buy a motor" and the salesman would naturally understand that you mean "I'd like a 2005 AWD Escalade in white diamond with shale nuance leather seating surfaces, the select edition package, the RDS/DVD navigation system, a sunroof and the optional 20' chrome rims" (or whatever specific vehicle package you wouldnt' have to tell the car dealer; he'd just know).

2. You could show up with no license and know nothing about vehicles. Then the dealership would pay for you to get your license and provide you with free lifetime 24 hour technical support because those people at OnStar actually don't need money; they're just there for the moral satisfaction of helping idiots.

3. You could choose to buy the warranty or not...Because if anything goes wrong with cars, it always happens in the first 2 weeks, right? Plus, you know a guy who knows a guy who's like a total car expert and everything and he's just sitting on his couch, waiting to fix your computer, and he could fix it for free and buy the parts for you and bake you a cake to cheer you up when your car breaks down.

4. If any vehicle was ever taken for a test drive, it would no longer be a 'new car', but instead would be sold as refurbished. Plus, the refurbished cars would be 20% less money.

5. You could haggle with your salesman over price like a madman. If the Escalade is $57,000 and the Salesman was willing to knock it down to $56,000, you could offer him $30,000 and then most likely get it for $32,000...I mean, the mark-ups on those things are crazy and they only cost like $1500 to make, right? (According to your friend who is like a total car expert).

6. You could wreck anything and still expect to get it fixed under warranty, regardless of how long it's been since your warranty expired. All you'd need to do is speak to the manager, throw a tantrum and he'd just waive the 'red tape' and replace your transmission for nothing.

7. A new car would come with all the options for the same price as the basic model. That just makes sense.

8. Every customer would come into the dealership needing a loaded 1 ton 4X4 truck with a 400 hp V8 but would expect the 56 hp 4 cylinder 2 door hatchback to do the same job. Then, after they bought the hatchback and discovered the error of their ways, they could return the hatchback with no questions asked and get a discounted price on the truck, again only if they threw a tantrum.

9. Customers would come into the dealerships and expect to finance a new car even though they'd have no credit, no job and massive debt. Then, the customers would expect the dealership would just sell them a car at half price for cash because they'd need a car so bad.

10. Customers would walk into the store, expect to get a new Escalade for around $10,000 and then leave absolutely enraged on the completely unreasonable prices. Then, they'd go to the next dealership down the road and spend $95,000 on a Sunfire and brag about their good deal.

11. Car dealerships would allow you one free accident, if you went back to the dealership and got exceedingly angry at how they sold you a car that amazingly doesn't drive all by itself. You'd just walk in, start yelling, and they'd give you a new Escalade for nothing, even though you totalled the last one by trying to jump over the Grand Canyon. I mean, if you pay $56,000 for a car it should be able to jump the freaking Grand Canyon, right?

Until next time,

The Amrchair Theologian


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