So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Good News!

Good day everyone in Internet land! Well, I finally have an answer to the question that everyone always asks me; “When are you going to write a book?”. Well, the answer is now folks, now. That’s right all, I’m in negotiations with Banner of Truth Trust (a large English publishing house that prints reformed and puritan literature) and also Presbyterian & Reformed Publishing (something similar in the US) to help turn around the Christian publishing industry. There have been a lot of kitsch books come out in the last few years with totally crap theology and flaky, intellectual 'bacon bits' content. Some of the reformed publishing houses are worried about the non-cessationist, open theist, postmodern, liberal, word faith, evolutionary, ear-tickling pap that has been on the bookshelves. They feel that there needs to be some good reformed pap on the bookshelves. What’s worse, The Purpose Driven Life has sold more copies than any non-fiction book of all time except the Bible. The reformed publishing houses want to get a chunk of that market, which lead them to a problem. What to do? What to do?

Well, they needed someone who could write a book that would sell a few hundred million copies. They needed someone with the writing savy, the clever wit, the theological knowledge, the humility, the integrity and, for need of a better word, pennache, to pull a rabbit of that size out the proverbial hat. So, they came and talked to me, the Armchair Theologian. Why cought for the nurse when you can be diagnosed by the doctor?

So, I'm currently working on own Institutes of the Christian Religion or Pilgrim's Progress or whatever. I'm unleashing the creative juices, so to speak. I have a few working ideas which I will now share with you, my faithful readers. Consider yourselves blessed and behold my genius, in utero:

1. Right away, hopping on the Purpose Driven Life bandwagon, I've got an idea for something that would be in a similar vein. Seeing that Dr. Atkins has recently declared bankrupcy and Rick Warren will shortly fade into the past, I figured I'd capitalize on both voids with a book about spiritual health. I'm thinking of something that would, in a Linda Powter meeks Max Lucado kinda way, nail down the body and the soul. Something that had some recipes for low cal, seafood based meals (fish is super healthy, non?) and ideas for spiritual development. Something that is most likely going to be known as:

The Porpoise Driven Life

Oh yeah. Reformed theology and New England clam chowder...that's magic waiting to happen.

2. In another similar vein, seeing that there are so many 'health and wealth/signs and wonders' books out there, I've been commissioned to write a rebuttal to the likes of Benny Hinn, Jack Deere, John Bevere, Jesse Duplantis, Joyce Meyer, etc. Benny Hinn wrote a hi-selling book years ago called Good Morning Holy Spirit and the expose of the 'health and wealth/signs and wonders' has the working title of:

Good Morning Holy Terror

Inspired. And Divine. Not necessarily both at the same time, but beggars can't be choosers.

3. What other topic has received so much press in the last 6 years as the prayer of a little known man in 1 Chronicles 4:9-10, who ran by the name of Jabez. Since so many people have fallen into the habit of:

a.) Seeking to apply old covenant promises to new covenant believers

and

b.) Allegorizing old testament passages in order to 'find gold in the brownie batter' (i.e. find the "deep, spiritual meaning" in the text)

Somethine must be done. Hank Hannegraff wrote The Prayer of Jesus and John MacArthur wrote Prayer, but both of them had books that were physically too small and not aggressive enough in combatting the heresies and aberant theology of Wilkinson's magnum opus. Jabez's little sissy prayer is still infecting minds everywhere and needs to be stopped. I'm working on a title that will tackle both heresies which has the working title of:

The Prayer of Jebus

It will be a monumental work, analysing every single foolish and non-applicable (to new covenant believers) prayer in the entire scripture, teaching about prayer by process of negation. From Genesis to Revelation, in 184 gripping and yet informative chapters, I will sort through the seemingly inconquerable topic of prayer. This mystery will soon be accessible to the masses.

4. How many of us have read Wild at Heart and wondered "How can Eldridge get away with such flaming open theism"? Well, wonder no more because he's not getting away with it anymore. I'm writing my own work on 'how to be a man like God' called:

God's not a 90 pound wuss: Understanding that God's still in control of the universe even though you may not comprehensively grasp the complex technical inner workings of the universe and ultimate reality.

Let's be honest. The open theists are probably the most bizarrely irrational people around. The whole "I don't understand how the universe works so obviously God cannot understand things either" idea is such blithering insanity. If you can't make heads or tails of evil and suffering and their interrelation to divine omnicience & foreknowledge (let alone fore-ordination), you cannot argue that God has lost the reigns of the world on the basis of a spiritual temper tantrum. God didn't ask for your counsel when he made this place, he doesn't need your signature for its daily operations and he won't require your assistance to cash out and close up shop when everything is done.

Anyway, these are some ideas that I've been chatting about with my publicist. If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free. Also, questions are welcome too. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

2 Comments:

Anonymous Rusti said...

Dear the armchair theologian,

I'm an orangutang being held captive at a zoo in Hawaii. I'm wondering if you can write "Every orangutang's battle" for me, so they won't have to castrate me this Christmas. Please give me a fighting chance. You're my only hope.

Your faithful reader,
Rusti

7:12 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Dear Rusti,

I resonate with your heartcry and I WILL write a book for you. Until then though, it's important to say it like it is and call a spade a spade. Using your own metaphor, I too was once an 'orangutang' (lukewarm believer) being 'held captive' (Sleeping around like a Russian sailor on shore leave) at 'a zoo' (Adults Only Video/The Double Deuce/California Fitness/any other den of hoores) in 'Hawaii' (Saskatoon).

Don't worry though. You don't have to emasculate yourself to break free. You simply need to buy my book so that Jesus power can be unleashed in your life (specifically your pants). In his service,

The Armchair Theologian

10:49 AM

 

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