So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Friday, October 27, 2006

My Testimony...

Many people have asked me, from time, about how I came to know the Lord, and I often give them my "boring" testimony (mostly because I don't want to really tell them my "I am an idiot" testimont), but I've recently started to "hollywood up" my testimony in order to more greatly display the glory of God in my life. I've embelished some of the details, but only for the sake of evangelistic impact. So, here's my testimony for those that are interested...kinda:

I was raised in a Christian home by Christian parents. I made a committment to the Lord early on, but by the time I was 3 I had fallen into horrible apostasy. I was running "candy" in the sandbox at several local playgrounds, hustlin' hoes on the side with a kissing boothe in the basement of the unfinished house next door and running a Big Wheel chop shop out of my parents garage. I had a paper route monopoly over my entire subdivision, with dozens of newspaper carriers working my land, and not a single bottle went unreturned in my hood. I put the "Price" in "Fisher Price". I was rolling in mad cash, with controlling shares in Chuckie Cheeze, my very own OshKosh stocked closet and my own Ferarri in the garage (308 GTS), though my liscence was a decade and a half away. I used to pack a small callibre deringer in my huggies for protection, cause even back THEN people were straight COLD to the playa.

I had a bunch of high school muscle on the payroll and I ruled every elementary school in the city. We even collected dues from the Russian Mafia preschool, and put the fear of ME into those perpetrators at the Hillside Academy, the local Christian school.

I was 50 pounds of wicked in 40 pounds of flesh.

Then one day, after a life of sniffing adult strength tylenol off an etch-a-sketch and "playing doctor" with half the girls in the neighborhood, I realized that my life was empty. I threw aside my frivolous pleasures and went searching for answers. I travelled to Tibet and spend several months in a Buddhist monastary, studying Buddhism and Shaolin Kung Fu, but the emptiness in my heart remained. I travelled to Utah, getting into a Mormon Sunday School program for several months, but the emptiness in my heart remained. I came down to Hollywood and hung out with Chick Corea and John Travolta, talking about scientology. I dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on auditing, but the emptiness in my heart remained. I tried every other religious system I could find, but the emptiness in my heart remained. Finally, as my chauffeur was taking me home, I stopped off at a VBS at a small country church.

I heard a great sermon on "sharing" and I broke down as the Lord got my heart. I was crying, but it wasn't the normal "I'm hungry" crying or the "I got a boo-boo" crying. It was spiritual crying, and my little 2 ounce heart was shattered. I understood that Jesus died for me and only in him could I leave my Pee-Diddy life behind. So, by the strength of God I left my gansta life, sold my various global real estate, donated the money to missions and committed myself to a selfless life of preschool piety and elementary school evangelism.

And though it's been sweat and tears, I and the Lord's been walking tall eva since...Word!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian


Blogger Kirk said...

i saw this and thought of you...

7:52 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

8:13 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

My fellow Revrend Kirk, thanks a lot. You ruined me leather office chair with that clip! Now the leather is spoiled from urine. Give a brotha a break and warn him when something THAT awesome is coming! AWE SHIBBIE!

Friedman and a Geisha girl singing "fly my to the moon" in Engrish? That was so freaking awesome, I've gotta make up a NEW word to describe it.

And Mr./Mrs. Anonymous,

Please be nice to Kirk and don't make fun of his youtube links. You may not like Japanese singing with awesome metal guitar, but don't call it ridiculous...that's uncalled for! You probably hurt Kirk's feelings!

9:15 PM

Blogger Joanna Martens said...

Can i just say how encouraging that comment was on my blog? Thank you!! I agree whole-heartedly. It was great talking with you- and I appreciate your outlook on life, honesty, and bright spirit (yes, there is such a thing and it is good).
--I never thought of conan- i thought more "Xena", but i guess conan works.

11:23 PM

Blogger michael lewis said...

As-tu de merde dans ta tĂȘte?

Seriously, that was not funny at all. It was quite pathetic.

....and just when I was beginning to respect you, I have to read this post!

Where's the real testimony?

1:55 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Someone on my blog was beginning to respect ME? Yikes. I don't take blogging THAT serious that I deserve any amount of respect. It's bizarre how a "reductio ad absurbum" post that one person ASKS me to put up ends up offending the lips off another person.

Michael, I am sorry that you were rubbed the wrong way by that post. It was "Reductio Ad Absurdum" for sure; reducing to the point of absurdity. I was talking with a friend about how people make their testimonies all about themselves and glorify their sin, instead of making their testimonies about what Christ has done in their life. My friend asked me to put this post up then, as a tongue-in-cheek post.

Just so you know...

4:40 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Mais non, Je ne suis pas une tete du merde...c'est flocons d'avoine.

(My french is "merde", but I've been out of it for over a decade. J'aime excuse!)

9:08 PM

Blogger Jennifer said...

Yay! Hahaha. Yay.

Made me laugh.

9:09 PM

Blogger Kirk said...

my pleasure on that clip. luck of the draw so to speak. who would have thought that looking up for this megadeth guitarist would bring such joy.

10:55 PM

Blogger michael lewis said...

Well then, if you had placed a better disclaimer at the beginning...

My initial offense was to the "I was backslidden by the time I was 3" statement. I didn't read much past that.

To think! That anyone could understand through reason something as complex as Israel history and the Gospel, accept it, and then reject it by the age of three!!! That is absurd!

Any educated person would affirm that the age of reason is typically about six years. It would be impossible for anyone to truly confess a belief in the Gospel message without being able to understand it.

9:27 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Nice call. I definitely agree that the earliest age of apostasy is easily 6, though by age 6 I had a pretty clear understanding of the Ordo Salutis, had evangelised several African nations (that have conveniently since TOTALLY apostasized) and had translated HC Lenski's New Testament Commentaries into both Bengali and Thai! Sorry about the lack of disclaimer. I'll try to be MORE absurd in the future, to make my "reductio ad absurdum" more obvious. How's this:

Shortly before he died, to win a bet with James White, I led Frederick W. Franz to the Lord by sharing the gospel via mime, using only a shower cap filled with diced rhubarb and a statue of Lafayette Ron Hubbard for props. James White argued with me that the only way we'd know he was in heaven was to go ascend to heaven and take a roll call, thereby confirming Frederick W. Franzs' salvation.

I promptly mimed my response to James White using a rubbicks cube and two game pieces from McDonalds Monopoly. He pondered my actions, burst into tears, recomitted his life and I used the money two buy two loaves and five fishes, which I expertly made into several tuna salad sandwiches for a church potluck.

(on a side note, Zane Hodges had a taste of that one of those sandwiches and instantly accepted Christ as Lord.)

1:16 AM

Blogger Justin said...

That was pretty funny...if you ever feel like posting your real testimony, I just started a site called, where you can post your testimony, and read the testimonies of others.

I've found that you can really be inspired by reading other people's testimonies, even the "boring" ones.

7:22 AM

Blogger Craver VII said...

One of my sons made a profession of faith at the tender age of four. I was surprised when I heard that, but still convinced that it was authentic.

Is it okay to use coarse words in other languages? That was almost as bothersome as the harshness of some of the retorts.

ml, you seem like a bright individual; it would be disappointing to have to avoid reading your comments. A little more civility might add a deeper, broader reach and maybe even a more profound impact to your thougtful considerations.

8:54 AM

Blogger Jen2 said...

Dear misunderstood armchair.....

THAT was a most excellent satire.....anyone reading should be able to pick up on it.

It's funny becuase it's true.

1:43 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Who here things Jen2 is cool? Raise your hand! Ooh! I see some hands! YES!

4:02 PM


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