So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Truth About E...

Okay. I've recently been the victim of what I like to call 'the righteous dump'. This is basically when a Christian guy goes after a Christian girl in pursuit of a romantic relationship and she shoots him down. The funny thing is that Christian girls will never say 'you're not good looking enough to merrit my affections' or 'maybe if you had a Benz' or whatever. Oh no...Lots of them think it (Don't think I'm not onto you!), but they cannot say it for that wouldn't sound like a god-fearing woman should sound. Instead, they shoot you down in a righteous-sounding way, or at least a way that makes the rejection sound 'spiritual'.

Gotta love the whole 'you're a great man of God but...' lines. I've gotten them before. The whole 'You're a great man of God but blah blah blah'. Since when is the whole 'great man of God' part worth bupkiss? Do you girls think I couldn't devote myself to a life of crime and make money? Do you girls think I couldn't get on steroids, become anorexic, and become Schwarzzenegger? Do you think I couldn't become devoted to fashion (i.e. super metro), or a weekend alcoholic, or a jerk, or a drug addicted artist, or anything else that will end up sending me to hell? Of course I could! Being shallow and ignorant (and going to hell) is just sit back and let the sinful nature produce it's rancid fruit! The thing is, I'm trying this crazy idea called actually thinking and acting like Christ and it effects things like how I handle money, or diet, or my speech, or whatever. You see, I try to be more like Christ and less like Mike. The funny part is that all the women who apparently love Jesus so much and admit seeing him in me don't actually like me. How does that work? If I'm so much like Christ and such an awesome man of God, should not it flow that I'd be somewhat desirable? Sure does in my books. I know several women that are neither wealthy nor hottie, but they are amazingly desirable and their godliness is the characteristic that I find so attractive in them. If they weren't married or dating someone, I'd be chasing them like mad.

So, I've got a logical problem.

1. Either I'm actually Godly and Christlike but the few girls I've ever gone after ever have not actually liked Christ in me...which leads me to think that they don't actually love Jesus and they're pagans. Well, that doesn't necessarily follow, but it does for now. Cause I said. Shut up.


2. I'm actually not Godly and Christlike and the few girls I've gone after have lied about how Godly and Christlike I am...which means that they are liars and Revelation 21:8 says that liars will go to Hell... so they're still pagans.

So I'd like to take this time to point out that every woman that has ever shot me down is a pagan. Well, unless...hmmm...thought in process here...AHA!

3. My third option is that I am SO Godly and Christlike that every woman I've ever gone after has been filled with shame and embarrasment at the thought of even dating someone who was so far out of their league...especially in humility. Yeah! Kinda like the president of the school Dungeons and Dragons club ever thinking of seriously going after Britney Spears...It would work in the movies but in reality the closest he'd ever get would be the pages of *BOP!* magazine! HA HA!

SO, I'd like to take this time to apologize to every girl whom I've ever gone after: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that a man so far out of your league ever sought to lavish his affections upon you, you who are so absolutely unworthy. I'm sorry for the stress I caused you all. I now realize the error of my ways; I only hope that you can forgive me. I'll never throw pearls to swine again. Until Next Time,

The 'venting on a blog that nobody reads instead of public' Armchair Theologian


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If I'm so much like Christ, should not it flow that I'd be somewhat desirable?"- the armchair theologian.
This argument would hold water if you could establish that Jesus had girlfriends.

9:48 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Hmmm. Did Jesus have a girlfriend? Well I guess that depends on who you ask. Conservatives say that he didn't, Liberals suggest that he in fact had a little somethin' somethin' going on with Mary Magdalene (except for the real corn-fed-Iowa-Liberals that think Jesus WAS a woman...if he even existed?!) and Joseph Smith figured he had a harem (which apparently you think too seeing that you said "girlfriendS" and not "girlfriend". I'm flattered that a Mormon has stumbled onto this site! I must be more popular than I thought!).

As for me, I'd have to say that I'm not sure if he had a girlfriend, but Jesus is married (is not the church the "Bride of Christ"?) and you usually date before you wed, so...Yes. Jesus did in fact have a girlfriend. All other opinions are morally wrong and most likley reveal that you are a communist.

12:23 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't tell whether you're joking or mournfully deluded. I think you're joking.

7:02 PM

Anonymous Jerrah said...

Wow, you must be really Christ-like, because I can really envision Christ writing a bitter diatribe about how he has been rejected by yet another woman. I must conclude that either you or the Bible you hold in such high regard is full of crap. I'm guessing it's not the Bible. Are you implying that Christian women should have some physical obsession with Christ and therefore should find you attractive simply because you claim that Christ is living in you? It would seem that you are trying to guilt some poor girl into dating you, that does not seem to be very Christ-like. Call me crazy, but when I read the gospel, I get the impression that Jesus treated women with dignity and respect. I have had the distinct experience of meeting you and I don't think you can blame women for the problems that you have getting a date.

3:45 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Well, it seems that this string of comments is evidence that some people in the world cannot spot sarcasm nor self-deprecatory humor for the life of them. This has been entertaining for my other readers (My roomie and co-workers and church friends) because it seems that you two are the only ones, out of the 15 or so people that read this blog, who think the original post is even somewhat remotely serious. Even the girl who gave me the 'righteous dump' read it and thought it was hilarious. Amazingly, we're still good was productive for me to get some creative energy out in writing about it. We've talked several times since it happened and I'm not bitter at her. What's more, she never suspected that I was! Sheesh! Who are you people?

I'm not slamming women. I'm more slamming myself with silly and elaborate reasoning to make things sound like it's her fault, not mine. Obviously, it is not her fault at all...but when I wrote the post, it was an attempt at a humerous effort to 'pass the buck'. I am especially astonished at how this Jerrah person, whom I KNOW I don't know from a hill of beans, is so aggressive here. Where do you get off judging me as being this total loser? I'm not going to even try to claim that I was being 'edifying' or 'Christlike' or whatever (IT WAS NOT A SERIOUS POST and this is my stinking blog, not a pulpit!) with my little rant post here, but Sheesh! In utter amazement,

The Armchair Theologian

2:57 AM

Blogger Yosemite Sam said...

It's true what Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf said: "Stupid people, like German tourists, are everywhere."

3:27 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can so spot sarcasm/self-deprecatory humor when I see it! Look, look what I said: "I think you are joking." And behold, behold, I was right. Right, I tell you! Ba ha ha. I like being anonymous. That way, I can run away facelessly into the night.

4:16 PM

Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

You can run away facelessly into the night? Now I am not an expert, nor am I speaking from experience, but isn't it difficult to run without a face? Not that you'd hit your nose on anything because...well, you might bump your knees at least or trip. Either way, I don't recommend running without a face. Concerned for your safety,

The Armchair Theologian

4:26 PM


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