So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Late Night Ramblings, Episode 127 Million...

I was going to call it Episode C, but C is a roman numeral. So is V, and I, and X, and M, and "Objuwanka". For some reason, I think that's the word for "infinitely repeating decimal" in Roman...I mean Greek...I mean Klingon. Well, anywho, here's another one of my "Oh crap! Get off the freaking net and GO TO BED!" posts.

Well, another day off has come and gone. I'm broke from Christmas shopping and tired from doing laundry and cleaning (and starting such said activities at around 10 pm). I've also had a 'feeling the burn' day like a madman, which is inevitable but completely unwelcome. It's not that I've done anything stupid/crazy with a girl or anything like that (God has, for the moment, providentially made me a hermit...or at least that's my best guess) but after two conversations on MSN that hit the wrong button (how's that for ambiguous? HA!), I'm wishing that I was in a coma or something.

I hate me fickle heart. It bends and bleeds with but a word and betrays me for a taboo thought, let alone a kiss. The older I get, the more I understand Paul's struggle in Romans 7. Why is it that I cannot destroy the evil desires that run amuck in me (not just lust, but pride and jealousy and everything else)? Well, I know that it's because I love sin more than I love Christ and I know that it's because I invite sin into my heart for dinner, a movie and a little necking on the couch. The stupid thing is how sneakily and underhandedly sin wages war against me. For the amounts of time that I've had my throat slit, you'd think I'd start to learn. Well, amazingly "as a dog returns to it's vomit, a fool returns to his folly".

Someday I've got to scream "screw all y'all!!" and really declare war against sin. I mean, I'm an outsider enough just with being theologically conservative. That's real tough...believing the bible and being in the minority on every single issue. Life would be a whole lot easier if I could water down my convictions without violating my conscience. If I could play the 'undecided' or 'not sure why it matters' cards with issues like creation, spiritual warfare, the ordination of women or whatever, life would be so much easier. It's really tough to always meet people, have them start talking about whatever, have the conversation moving along swimingly and then, all of a sudden, to have to either bow out or get into a 'dialogue' (or disagreement) with them when they get onto spiritual issues because we're on completely opposite sides of the fence.

What makes matters even worse is when I really try to start stomping out sin. I start walking out of movies (which is SO socially uncomfortable), or not reading certain magazines with dangerous pictures (aka. ladies...and I'm not talking about Maxim or that soft core crap. I'm talking about Muscles and Fitness or Guitar Player...stupid porneia ads!), or not 'socially' flirting (it's just how my personality is...AS IF!) or whatever. That pretty much puts my in the "he's no fun camp" and leaves me out in the cold even worse...and I'm pretty sure that's my biggest reason for making room for sin; not sticking out too bad in a crowd. Thinking about it, that's why Saul didn't fully obey the Lord either. (Thought process coming...)

Anyway, that's my late night ramble. If I had a dime for everytime I met a really cool guy/girl and started talking and got along great and then learned (sometimes right away, sometimes a few months later) that they're nuts (or charismatic, or liberal, or whatever) and then ended up arguing about spiritual warfare (or tongues, or divorce, or why Genesis could possibly be literally true, or their life changing experience that recently occured, or whatever...) and ended up having to be the black sheep because I don't tow the cultural/religious 'party line' and believe whatever heresy is running around these days...well, them dimes would be my new paycheck.

If I also was the guy who didn't have girls over ever for the sake of being above reproach, or if I was the guy who could never get in on a conversation because I don't watch TV, or if I was the guy who refused to let anything come out of his mouth except that which was useful for the building up of others, I'd be eternally the black sheep. And them dimes would turn into the lottery. Nobody, and I mean nobody, cares much about really being righteous. People care about being 'pretty', or 'nice', or 'tolerant', or 'open minded', or whatever. Nobody even knows what in the smack 'righteous' means...or 'holy', or 'sanctified', or 'integrity'. And this is not to cast blame either. It's not others fault that I make room for sin. It's my fault alone. It's just not easy to be the lone tulip in the turnip patch. In fact, I don't think I've ever been the tulip in the turnip patch. That's probably what is the worst. I know that there are tulips out there. The stupid thing is that almost everyone I know thinks turnips are tulips. They've never even seen a tulip. They've seen turnips that they thought were tulips, but that just it...they thought they saw a tulip when it was really a turnip. I know better though and that rubs it in my face all the more. Bah! Cursed be me! Come wrath! Come hate! I need sleep now. This late night ramble is done. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian


Blogger Markio said...

If it makes any sense, I've been in exactly the same place before. I've been the black sheep and I have been the person who reads the Bible and knows that the word holiness cannot apply to me except on the level of what is imputed to me in being a child of the King.

The problem is that even the most light glimpse at the scriptures leaves on naked and exposed. It is then that we realize that we are sinners. Saved but by the skin of our teeth.

The moment you live out by conviction the words of scripture that deal with morality and having discernment about evil, you are labeled a radical and swiftly punted out the door. You are considered a lunitic and a judge of all.

I appreciate your wanting to be a tulip. According to the acronym, I only want it in part but we have had those discussions. I respect your convictions and believe that you should hold them until given convincing proof otherwise. I appreciate that you do not want to sacrifice your convictions.

There is only one thing that I can suggest for the perrson that wants to live a life that goes against the grain: be gracious as God is gracious and be patient as God is patient because your smiles and tears convince people of truth of your words more than the volume of your argument. There are moments for the volume to be raised but those must be determined with the utmost wisdom and where there is doubt, it is better to remain silent.

9:51 AM

Blogger caro said...

wow mark, the last paragraph of your comment is probably one of the most profound things I've heard (read) from you (and you're a very profound guy most of the time).

[sorry this isn't comment on your post Lyndon . . . mulling it over though]

2:45 PM

Blogger The Armchair Geek said...

Tulip? HA! I actually didn't mean that as the T.U.L.I.P was just the first thing that came to mind. I could have said dandelion or artichoke for all that it matters! But I see the funny pun now! I'm even MORE witty than I realize! HA!

As for the admonition to be graciouse and patient, that's most certainly true. That's honestly a frustrating thing as well...for more often than not those cards are seemingly only used against me, not for me. I struggle to find the right balance between standing up and sitting back. What's even worse is that we live in a culture where the minute you stand up for anything, you're a bigot...or narrow minded...or whatever. Anything short of lukewarm tolerance is despised and worthy of the most flaming persecution.

Don't get me wrong Markio. I don't go out of my way looking for arguments. I used to when I was young, but I've seen the fruits of people getting rationally beaten up enough to know how horribly destructive it is to rhetorically steamroll someone.

I've also grown to understand that "the carnal mind is emnity with God". For someone to believe the truth, the main agent of change is the Holy Spirit, not my own rational savy. I have sorted through enough apologetics and theology that I can pretty much hold my own against almost anyone; I've debated with dozens of PhD's. Even so, I've learned that having a 'knockdown punch' argument doesn't matter if the sinful mind cannot possibly comprehend it in faith. Like the rich man trying to proove the reality of hell to his brethren on earth, even if he came back from the dead and gave them obvious and irrefutable evidence, the masses would NOT believe. In as much as I can be articulate, the Holy Spirit grants men minds to understand and faith to believe. More often than not, my prayers are more effective than my arguments.

Thanks for your encouragments though. I sometimes forget that people actually read my blog. HA!

12:55 AM


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