Something for Someone for Some Reason...

Okay. My long time committed readers know that I work in a computer store (All 4 of you). This one is for them, and anyone else who's ever got a kick in the junk by management. Here's the story. Someone at my store's head office wanted one guy in the store to hit a huge sales goal this month so head office yanked all my store's good stock and sent it to the other guy's store. I'm not mad per say, but I felt the situation needed to be addressed. I drafted up a letter to be sent to the pertinent person at head office with some suggestions to help me maximize my sales, when my time comes. Here's my draft and I appreciate any feedback that any one of my 4 readers has for me to help me make it better. Here goes:

*******************************************************************************
(Name of person at head office),

It has recently come to my attention that several of our best notebooks and desktops have been transfered to another store in order to help a certain individual attain a plethora of sales for this month. I applaud the efforts of (name of store), chain wide, in helping get our best and brightest to reach their full potential. I'm glad to be part of such a fantastic team environment and would like to put my name in the running for 'diamond sales agent' for next month. In order to help me maximize my sales possibilities and also closing ability, I have the following suggestions:

1. I would like all the best computers in the chain sent to my store.

2. I would like all the aformentioned computers to be priced at half price.

3. I would like approximately 1000 sombreros; to give away with each purchase and create a more festive sales environment.

4. I would like to get a corporate purchase order to pay Eva Longoria, the star of TV's Desperate Housewives to come in a be a corporate spokesmodel for the month. My agent tells me that her going rate is approximately $10,000 per day, but when you think of the long term investment (i.e. making me happy for several months and possible solving my problem of bachelorhood), that sum is paltry by comparison.

5. I would like to also get a corporate purchase order to get Shamu, in a 1.2 million gallon tank in the adjacent empty lot to (store name), so that (my store's name) can have a 'swim with Shamu' contest to motivate closures.

6. I would like to have theme parties every week, also for the purpose of creating a more festive sales environment. They would be:

- week 1 : Texas Barbeque Hoedown. We'd have a huge grill with steaks and burgers and at the end of the day, a squaredance by the Shamu tank.

- week 2 : A Scottish Shin Dig. We eat Haggis, have loud bagpipe music everywhere (is there any other kind?), yell at passing vehicles and toss cabers at Shamu.

- week 3 : A Japanese Grill. We'd have those super cool 'grill in the middle' tables everywhere, with cooks preparing food right before your eyes. The sales staff would all dress up as Geishas and the tech staff would all be Samurai. Also, we'd have an Asian style 'get the snot kicked out of you for absolutely nothing', MXC styled, gameshows with the winner getting a cordless mouse and the losers are tossed into Shamu's tank with Dolphin meat stuffed in their shorts.

- Week 4 : A Polynesian Luau. We'd all get on grass skirts and coconuts and go bezerk. The tech staff would swallow fire for entertainment and after the 'swim with Shamu' contest was done, we'd cook Shamu up for a huge 'whale roast' on the beach...ie parking lot. Then, I'd have the last laugh on Shamu, my lifelong arch-nemesis.

If we implement these simple suggestions, I'm sure we could maximize my sales potential for this month. Thanks and have a great day,

(My real name here)


*******************************************************************************
So that's my current draft. I figure that with all that investment in me, I'd have the best sales month ever! Well, seeing that I'm currently at work right now, I guess I could actually do some work to sell computers! Until next time,

The Armchair Theologian

P.S.- For those of you who are astute, you may suspect that this whole 'sales goal' story is just a smokescreen for me to manipulate my company into assisting my defeat of my arch nemesis, Shamu the killer whale...but let me assure my readers. My loyalty is to my store and personal vendettas against sea creatures have no place in the corporate sales environment. That being said, I will get that stupid whale some way, some how...so help me God.