So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Truth About E Revisited...

Okay seems that some people in the world were extraordinarily confused and offended by a recent post that talked about a phenomenon called a “righteous dump”. I’ll explain the “righteous dump” in simple terms: It’s telling someone that you’re not interested in them and backing up thje rejection with a string of compliments. Here’s a hypothetical conversation (with Jack and Jill) to illustrate the idea further:

Jack: Jill, I think you’re a fantastic girl and I’d love to get to know you better. I don’t want to be confusing or deceitful with intentions and I want to honour you before the Lord, so I’m going to be up front with things. I’d like to get to know you more because I have a romantic interest in you and I’d love to pursue that avenue of our relationship.

Jill: Well Jack, I’m flattered. My girlfriends and I were all reading Becoming together the other night and talking about the characteristics of the man that God esteems, and your name kept coming up. Every time the bible talks about 'the man of God', myself and my friends think of you. We all agree that you’re the most godly man we know and my brother looks up to you as a role model. Susan was commenting on how she learned that you were volunteering at the low income housing project and we were all impressed at how you didn’t tell anyone because we figured that you didn’t want to trumpet your 'righteous deeds'. Mary was commenting how she was learning so much at your Bible study and how she was amazed at how you knew the scriptures so well that it seemed like you had half the Bible memorized. Beth was also encouraged about how you led her cousin to the Lord and Jenny made the comment that "whoever ends up with that Jack will be one lucky girl." You’re such a fantastic guy too; God has really blessed me by bringing you into my life and I cherish our friendship. You’re funny, sweet, caring, well mannered, intelligent, humble, patient, kind, and most of all you have a heart for the Lord and obeying his word. You’re well grounded in your faith and, as far as I can tell, spiritually mature and a tremendous man of God.

Jack: Uh, wow…I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know you thought that way about me. Uh…yeah…that's so...

Jill: (interupts) Thought what way about you?

Jack: Well...uh...reciprocated my affections.

Jill: What? What are you talking about? I don’t like you in that way Jack! You’re more or less God’s gift to women, but I’m totally not interested in you. Man…date you? Eeew!

Jack: Okay. I’m confused here. You just told me how I was the greatest guy in the world and yet you’re talking about me like I’m the plague. I don’t understand what’s occurring here.

Jill: What do you mean? I simply don’t like you in any way shape or form. I’m not actually repulsed by your touch, but please don’t touch me none the less.

Jack: So you give me compliment after compliment and then tell me that all those 'perfect parts' don't add up to a desirable whole?

Jill: Jack, you’re trying to apply reason to the feminine mind. You obviously don’t understand either love or women. Don’t worry though, some day God will bring that special someone to you and then you’ll still be confused, though blissfully so.

Jack: What? That doesn’t make sense! If I’m such a fantastic guy, what’s going on here?

Jill: Well Jack, Deepak Chopra once said “while there are roses on the ground, one must dig deep to get the diamonds”.

Jack: Deepak Chopra?!

Jill: Don’t interrupt! Jack, you’re a rose. You’re pretty and all, but I can get twelve of you for like $20. I want a diamond. I want a guy who’s going to take a lot of work; who needs to be dug for and cut and polished. The more you work for something, the better it is once you finally attain it.

Jack: So you want a fool that you can fix up and turn into a godly man? Beyond that, don't you know that all diamonds start as a lump of coal? Do you want a lump of coal? I can understand wanting a diamond and all, but also doesn’t God make diamonds out of coal? And what if God just GAVE you a diamond and saved you years of trying to do his work?

Jill: Well, if someone gave me a diamond, I’d keep it! For Pete’s sake Jack? Do you think I’m brain-dead? A FREE diamond? You know someone who is giving away diamonds? Where?

Jack: Are we still using an analogy or are we talking about jewellery now?

Jill: I cannot believe that you know someone who is giving away free diamonds. You’re nuts and ever since I dated that guy who claimed to be Pope Leo IX, I don‘t date crazy people!

Jack: I am starting to think that your brain and mouth are on seperate frequencies...

Jill: Free diamonds! Why would anyone ever give diamonds away for free! That’s so nuts! I’ve gotta go and tell Beth about that! What in the world! Free diamonds?! (turns around and walks away, dialling on her cell phone)

Jack: Wow. I cannot figure out this love thing for the life of me. Jill sure was strange about this. I wonder if this is what Ecclesiastes 7:28 is talking about? I sure hope not! (laughs to self and walks the opposite direction)

So, I hope that this illustration makes things clear. Now that everyone understands the ‘righteous dump’, we can all get on with our lives…Free diamonds? What a preposterous idea! Wait until I tell Mark about that! HA! Until Next time,

The Armchair...wait a moment. Almost forgot to be sensitive to my other readers!

Okay, if this offends the girls out there, the conversation works equally well if the roles are reversed except that Jack uses an illustration about sports or computer games to shoot down Jill and comments several times, in tactless ways, about how she could stand to lose weight and is not as hot as another girl in the youth group who is known for her, uh, 'availability'...especially at the back of the church bus/van/janitors closet on the way to ski trips/youthquake/conferences/choir tours/missions trips/Urbana/service projects/a potluck/the washroom during a boring Sunday School lesson/whatever else.

And before anyone suggests that I threw a hint in that list about some personal short coming at church, I have NEVER skipped out of a boring Sunday School lesson and made out with the youth group skank in the janitors closet...

...we made out in the baptismal...during the service...for the entire sermon...

It was the first time my mom ever grounded me from going to church. Live life on the edge...Until next time,

The Armchair Theologian


Blogger Yosemite Sam said...

This blog should be an ongoing saga with future episodes like Reloaded and Revolutions. It has publish written all over it; I'm emailing the Door!

4:21 PM


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