So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I was recently inspired...

Here's a little known fact about me. Being the tech-head that I am, I used to have "the canonical list of Mennonite Jokes"; a web page that used to be hosted on Geocities. At one time, it swelled with around 160+ Mennonite jokes. But, seeing that I didn't have a computer at that time, and it was 1996 (the internet was note quite 2 years old back then), it's long been lost. Maybe one day I'll try to rebuild it. (and for the sticklers, this isn't a MENNONITE joke...it would be funny, though not as much, if other denominations were substituted in) Anyway, this post is for Camille, who recently inspired me with a good joke:

There were 3 ministers; a Mennonite, a Southern Baptist and a United Church minister. All three of them were car pooling to a different city for whatever reason when they were involved in a head-on with a rig and were instantly killed.

As they all opened their eyes, they were standing at the pearly gates and saw an angel. They walked up to him and he motioned them to stop. The angel said "Now, all three of you are in for some shockers...you all believed a thing or two on earth that wasn't necessarily accurate, and I want to warn you that not everything in Heaven will be exactly as you expect."

They all hurridly agreed and got in line.

The United Church minister went first, and as he went through the gates, his voice was heard exclaiming 'Hey! Where is everyone? Not everyone's here!"

The angel looked at the other two and said "See? Those United Churchers are always surprised at that one."

Then, as he went through the gate, the Southern Baptist pointed at the United Church minister and exclaimed "HEY! You let HIM in?! What gives?"

The angel looked at the one remaining minister and said "See? Those Southern Baptists are always surprised at that one."

Then, as the Mennonite went through the gate he pointed and yelled "JOHN TRAVOLTA?!"

************************

Like all good Mennonite jokes, it's WAY funnier if you tell it in low German. Enjoy. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian.

P.S. - Here's a REAL Mennonite Joke -

Q: Why did all the Mennonites get fired from NASA?

A: Because everytime they called a "launch", they all took off to eat!

47 Comments:

Blogger Camille said...

wow that was cool, but it definitely loses the funniness without the accent!

difference b/wn a menno and a canoe?

canoes tip easily.

2:21 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How do you break a Mennonite's neck?

A: Walk all the way around his car.

I promise you, this could go on for a month straight. I'm the undisputed king of Mennonite Jokes.

5:52 PM

 
Blogger Camille said...

how was copper wire invented?

two mennos fighting over a penny.

(i am running low, can't remember tons of them)

2:10 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q: How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Change?"

4:44 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: Why was a wall built around Steinbach?

A: To stop the spread of "Abe's".

Q: How is "Abe's" spread?

A: From Dyck to Dyck!

8:56 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite Woman and a fortune teller?

A: One's a 'medium' and one's a LARGE!

1:27 AM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Here's a good one, albeit not 'theologically correct' at all (I know...):

******

There was a man who was a recent convert. He attended a 'community' church for several weeks, and then was killed in a horrible gardening accident.

As he arrived at the pearly gates, an angel greeted him. "Welcome to heaven!" the angel said. "Follow me! I'll take you to your section of the city where your mansion is!"

As the man was walking following the angel, they started walking down a street and the man heard many droning voices and some soft music. "Where's this?" the man asked the angel. "This is the Anglican district" said the angel, walking on.

A few blocks later, they heard some excited music and loud singing and clapping. "I like the sounds of this place!" said the man. "Where are we now?" he asked. "This is the Pentacostal district" the angel replied, walking on.

At the next block, the angel turned to the man and motioned for him to be quiet. "But why?" the man asked. The angel glarred at him and shushed him, then tip-toed down the street. The man followed the angel, who was sneaking along as quiet as could be. "Where are we now?" whispered the man. "SHHHH!" the angel replied, looking around nervously.

They continued on for a few blocks and then the angel started walking normally again. "It's okay now" the angel said. "Sheesh! What district was that?" the man asked. The angel explained, "That was the Mennonite district; they think they're the only people here!"

*****

Da-Dum Ching!

1:38 AM

 
Blogger Camille said...

why are mennos good at football?

they like to get the quarter back!

2:19 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

ROLLING ON THE FLOOR!

Q: Did you hear about the New Mennonite car company?

A: They're called Toyodder. (That one's from the east!)

10:02 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite and a Hutterite?

A: The Mennonite's too cheap to buy the uniform!

10:03 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. Why don't Mennonite women wear sleeveless dresses?

A. They refuse to bare arms!

10:05 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. How many Mennonites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Seven, one to make the actual switch, and six to stand around complaining that they liked the old one better.

10:05 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite and a Lutheran?


A. A Lutheran will say hello at a liquor store.

10:06 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How do you recognize the Mennonite?

A: He's the one wearing the trenchcoat and sunglasses.

10:07 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How do you know that Adam was a Mennonite?

A: He's in the Garden of Eden with a NAKED woman and he's tempted by a piece of fruit!

10:07 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How do you know that Eve was a Mennonite?

A: Adam took the fruit!

10:08 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. How do you make a Mennonite sweat?

A. Free dance lessons.

10:09 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: Why don't Mennonites have sex standing up?

A: It might lead to dancing!

10:09 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. Why don't Mennonites go to the Symphony?

A. Too much sax and violins.

10:10 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. What do you say to a fellow Mennonite at a dance club?

A. Nothing. Nobody wins in a Mexican standoff.

10:11 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. What do you call a bad Mennonite poet?

A. Corny Reimer.

10:12 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What do you call a naked Mennonite in a snow storm?

A: Dyck Friesen.

10:12 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What do you call him 10 minutes later?

A: Dyck Froese.

10:13 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q. Why are Mennonite guys particularly afraid of meeting their girlfriends' parents?

A. Nobody WANTS to win at the Mennonite game.

10:14 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How does the Mennonite Mafia eliminate it's enemies?

A: Drowning...though the GC Mafia prefers to sprinkle.

10:16 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

One day, a barber was cutting the hair of a catholic priest. When he was done, the priest got up and was ready to pay the barber, but he refused to payment, saying, "I don't accept money from leaders of the church." The priest insisted, but to no avail. So, the next day when the barber opened his shop, he found two apple pies on his doorstep.

Later on, this barber was was giving a haircut to a Jewish rabbi. When he was done, the Rabbi got up to pay the barber, but again he refused payment, despite the insistence of the Rabbi. He said, "No, I don't accept money from religious figures." So, the next morning, the barber found a dozen bagels on his doorstep.

Another time he was giving a haircut to a Mennonite minister, and the same thing happened again. As the Mennonite minister got up to pay for the haircut, the barber again refused payment. Saying again how he wouldn't accept money from leaders of the church. So, the next day the barber opened his shop and all of Steinbach showed up for haircuts.

10:18 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What happens if you take one Mennonite fishing?

A: He drinks all your beer.

10:22 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What happens if you take two Mennonites fishing?

A: Two Mennonites die of stress induced heart attacks.

10:23 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What's the shortest book in the world?

A: Mennonite war heroes.

10:23 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What's the second shortest book?

A: The Mennonite guide to birth control.

10:24 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What's a paradox?

A: Two ducks flying over Winkler.

10:24 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What's the fastest way to kick a Mennonite out a Mennonite church?

A: Drive by shunning!

(For some reason, that joke isn't even REMOTELY funny, but I freaking laugh my head off every time I hear it!)

10:25 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

So Abe Penner gets shipwrecked on a desert island all by himself. He's stuck there and doesn't know what to do, but he figures it's a good idea to build a church.

Years later, a ship passes by the island. One of the guys from the rescue team asks him "what did you build here? Did you build yourself a house?"

Abe, stunned, says "No! I build a church! This is the house of the Lord!"

The rescuer then points to another, smaller building several hundred feet behind the church and asks him "Well, if this is a church, is THAT your house?"

Abe replies, "No, that's the church I used to attend!"

10:34 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Jesus is sitting in a square in Nazareth, when a crowd approaches. They throw a woman, bound and beaten, at his feet. A man at the front says to Jesus, "Rabbi, this woman was found in the very act of adultery, and under the law of Moses such women are to be stoned. What say you to this?"

Jesus replies, "That the one among you who is without sin may cast the first stone."

A rock flies from the back of the crowd, beaning her in the head and knocking her out.

Jesus stands, looks over the mob, and says, "Oh shoot! Sorry Mrs. Penner! I didn't see you there!"

10:39 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How do you get a one armed Mennonite out of a tree?

A: Huck a quarter at him!

10:40 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in a Mennonite Church?

A: A visitor.

10:42 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

So there was a pastor of a rather large "community church" in a town where several other churches had split. Several hundred people from all the various other congretations now attended the community church, and seemed to relatively sit together.

The church had also experience tremendous growth that year, but without the budget to support all the new programs, the church was running low on money. The pastor had tried all sorts of pleas, sermons and events, but nothing really brought the money like he had hoped.

It was also getting close to the end of the fiscal year, so he decided to 'help things along'. He wired up several sections of the sanctuary with stripped electrical wire, and hooked it all up to a switchbox that he hid in the pulpit.

That Sunday, as it came offering time, the pastor explained "Well, today we're going to do something a little different. Instead of the ushers passing around the offering plates, I'm going to ask people to commit to giving certain amounts. When you hear the amount you'd like to tithe, please stand and the ushers will come and recieve your offerings."

The congretation looked around, bewildered, but the people were open to trying something new. They all said nothing and the service continued.

The pastor said "Would all those who feel the spirit leading them to donate $100 please stand?" He flipped the first switch and *ZAP*!

200 Baptists got a shock and jumped up.

The pastor then said "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Now, would all those who feel the spirit leading them to donate $500 please stand?" He flipped the second switch and *ZAP*!

250 Presbyterians got a shock and jumped up.

The pastor then said "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Now, would all those who feel the spirit leading them to donate $1,000 please stand?" He flipped the third switch and *ZAP*!

300 Methodists got a shock and jumped up.

The pastor then said "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Now, would all those who feel the spirit leading them to donate $5,000 please stand?" He flipped the fourth switch and *ZAP*!

350 Pentecostals got a shock and jumped up.

The pastor then said "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Now, would all those who feel the spirit leading them to donate $10,000 please stand?" He flipped the last switch and *ZAP!*

He killed every single Mennonite.

11:09 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: What do you call a Mennonite in green tights who flies around Winkler?

A: Peter Panner.

10:42 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How does a Mennonite woman take a bath?

A: First she fills the tub, then she puts in the water!

10:43 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

(This joke is so funny because it's ALMOST true...but it's kinda rated PG. You've been warned!)

One day a Mennonite woman went to the ABC Family Restaurant in Abbotsford after a church event, as is common custom, for some desert. As she walked in the door, the restaurant went silent; everyone could see that she had one of her breasts hanging out of her blouse. Oblivious to her faux pas, she helped herself to a table.

The waiter walked up and almost fell on his head when he saw her. He collected himself, walked over, and just as he was about to say something she exclaimed, “Good afternoon thare, I’d like a piece of that mile high Oreo pie but yat!”

The waiter responded, “Well, I’d love to get that for you, but I cannot serve you ma’am. We have a strict policy about dress code and, well, um…you need to take care of an ‘issue’ before you get your pie.”

The woman was aghast as his insinuation. She looked at him and asked, “What? What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed? Is there a policy against looking good in this establishment?”

The waiter cleared his throat and said, “Well, you might want to look down and straighten something out.”

The woman looked down, then blushed as she noticed, “Oh mah yo! My shoe’s untied!” and she hurriedly tied her shoe.

“Now, about that pie but yat…” she started, but was cut off by the waiter. “Woah. Hang on. You didn’t get the thing I was hinting at. Look down again and see if you can figure out what I’m talking about.”

The woman looked down again, then blushed a second time as she noticed, “Oh yein! My other shoe is untied!” and she hurriedly tied her other shoe.

“As for my pie…” she began, but was again cut off by the waiter. “Uh, the shoes are appreciated, but they were not the problem. Take another look and see if you can notice something inappropriate.”

The woman, noticing that her skirt had slid up her leg while she sat down, again blushed and apologized, “Oh dear! I seem to have uncovered my knees in public, and in a family restaurant at that! I see what you mean!” She fumbled with her skirt and covered up her shame.

The waiter stopped her and said, in a firm voice, “Look. I don’t know what sort of game you’re playing here, but I’m tired of dealing with your nonsense. We have a policy that says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’, and that policy expects the things that SHOULD be covered up by a shirt to ACTUALLY be covered up by a shirt. Why don’t you examine your blouse and see if something is amiss!”

The woman looked down, and then her face went beat red and her eyes widened as she blurted out, “Oh Ma Yo! I left my baby at the potluck!”

11:01 PM

 
Blogger klilly said...

What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and garbage? The garbage is taken out once in a while.

If Mennonites divorce, are they still cousins?

4:34 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

uh, yeah. Why? Are you married to your cousin and wanting divorce? Is this a joke or are you serious? Need me to recommend a good 'intra-family-divorce-lawyer'? I know a guy in Rosthern who's pretty good, and he's a GC so you won't get the 'inside gossip' surfacing in the MB circles...

let me know. Concerned,

The Armchair Theologian

8:23 AM

 
Anonymous klilly said...

It's a joke. I should have labelled it. GC's are now MCC's. General Conference and Mennonite Churches amalgamated to form Mennonite Church Canada. This is not a joke, just trivia. You need a trivia section.

7:13 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

I hope you didn't take ME serious...it was a funny joke. I just sometimes 'apply poker-face' for giggles. Keep em' coming!

11:48 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Ooh, and thanks for the inside tip on the GC/MCC merger. I was kinda aware, but I only use "GC" in jokes because that's how many of them were told to me...and I still kinda think in those terms. I'm kinda an old timer that way. HA!

11:50 PM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Q: How was the Grand Canyon Formed?

A: A Mennonite dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.

8:52 AM

 
Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

So old Abe Penner had a horse named Alfalfa, and Alfalfa was a very smnart horse; he could count and do simple math problems. One Sunday, Abe's church out in Waldheim was having a borscht and buns sale and Abe was asked to bring Alfalfa along for a little entertainment.

So once everyone was sitting around eating, Alfalfa was brought into the gymnasim and Abe was introduced. Abe then explained:

"Alfalfa is the SMARTEST horse in the world! He can add, subtract, multiply and divide. Ask him any numerical question and he'll show the answer by taking that amount of steps."

Abe illustrated by asking Alfalfa "what's 2 plus 2?"

Alfalfa took 4 steps forward.

So Ken Schmidt stood up and asked Alfalfa "what's 17 minus 9?"

Alfalfa too 6 steps backward.

Then Peter Dueck stood up and asked "what's 2.75 times 4?"

Alfalfa took 11 steps forward.

Then Dave Hinz stoof up ad asked "what's the square root of 42 and a quarter?"

Alfalfa took 6 steps backward and stopped with one leg half way up in the air.

The crowd wildly applauded and everyone cheered for Alfalfa. "That REALLY IS the smartest horse in the world!" someone yelled.

Abe and Alfalfa both took a bow and as the crowd died down, a voice from the back called out "How many hypocrites are there in a Mennonite Church?"

Alfalfa took off like a flash, ran out the gym door and was found near Dalmeny, passed out from exhaustion.

8:45 AM

 

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