So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Something for Someone for Some Reason...

Okay. My long time committed readers know that I work in a computer store (All 4 of you). This one is for them, and anyone else who's ever got a kick in the junk by management. Here's the story. Someone at my store's head office wanted one guy in the store to hit a huge sales goal this month so head office yanked all my store's good stock and sent it to the other guy's store. I'm not mad per say, but I felt the situation needed to be addressed. I drafted up a letter to be sent to the pertinent person at head office with some suggestions to help me maximize my sales, when my time comes. Here's my draft and I appreciate any feedback that any one of my 4 readers has for me to help me make it better. Here goes:

(Name of person at head office),

It has recently come to my attention that several of our best notebooks and desktops have been transfered to another store in order to help a certain individual attain a plethora of sales for this month. I applaud the efforts of (name of store), chain wide, in helping get our best and brightest to reach their full potential. I'm glad to be part of such a fantastic team environment and would like to put my name in the running for 'diamond sales agent' for next month. In order to help me maximize my sales possibilities and also closing ability, I have the following suggestions:

1. I would like all the best computers in the chain sent to my store.

2. I would like all the aformentioned computers to be priced at half price.

3. I would like approximately 1000 sombreros; to give away with each purchase and create a more festive sales environment.

4. I would like to get a corporate purchase order to pay Eva Longoria, the star of TV's Desperate Housewives to come in a be a corporate spokesmodel for the month. My agent tells me that her going rate is approximately $10,000 per day, but when you think of the long term investment (i.e. making me happy for several months and possible solving my problem of bachelorhood), that sum is paltry by comparison.

5. I would like to also get a corporate purchase order to get Shamu, in a 1.2 million gallon tank in the adjacent empty lot to (store name), so that (my store's name) can have a 'swim with Shamu' contest to motivate closures.

6. I would like to have theme parties every week, also for the purpose of creating a more festive sales environment. They would be:

- week 1 : Texas Barbeque Hoedown. We'd have a huge grill with steaks and burgers and at the end of the day, a squaredance by the Shamu tank.

- week 2 : A Scottish Shin Dig. We eat Haggis, have loud bagpipe music everywhere (is there any other kind?), yell at passing vehicles and toss cabers at Shamu.

- week 3 : A Japanese Grill. We'd have those super cool 'grill in the middle' tables everywhere, with cooks preparing food right before your eyes. The sales staff would all dress up as Geishas and the tech staff would all be Samurai. Also, we'd have an Asian style 'get the snot kicked out of you for absolutely nothing', MXC styled, gameshows with the winner getting a cordless mouse and the losers are tossed into Shamu's tank with Dolphin meat stuffed in their shorts.

- Week 4 : A Polynesian Luau. We'd all get on grass skirts and coconuts and go bezerk. The tech staff would swallow fire for entertainment and after the 'swim with Shamu' contest was done, we'd cook Shamu up for a huge 'whale roast' on the parking lot. Then, I'd have the last laugh on Shamu, my lifelong arch-nemesis.

If we implement these simple suggestions, I'm sure we could maximize my sales potential for this month. Thanks and have a great day,

(My real name here)

So that's my current draft. I figure that with all that investment in me, I'd have the best sales month ever! Well, seeing that I'm currently at work right now, I guess I could actually do some work to sell computers! Until next time,

The Armchair Theologian

P.S.- For those of you who are astute, you may suspect that this whole 'sales goal' story is just a smokescreen for me to manipulate my company into assisting my defeat of my arch nemesis, Shamu the killer whale...but let me assure my readers. My loyalty is to my store and personal vendettas against sea creatures have no place in the corporate sales environment. That being said, I will get that stupid whale some way, some help me God.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Speculations of Strangeness upon Certain Suspicions...

Based upon a previous post, I've started to reflect and speculate. "Anonymous" said that she (I know who you are...HA!) could " away facelessly into the night" and I speculated that such an action would prove dangerous. Then, I got to thinking. What would life be like if one did not have a face?

Well, the face is made up of several key parts. There's the mouth, the eyes, the nose, the eyebrows and possibly the cheeks. I'm guessing that the faceless would still have ears, hair and somewhat of a forehead, so I'll assume that the mouth, the eyes, the nose, the eyebrows and possibly the cheeks are all that is missing.

Without a mouth one could not eat so one would have to get nutrition from other sources. Also, one could not speak, breathe or smile. One would essentially be a photosynthesizing dead Amish mute.

Without a nose, one could not smell, breathe, sneeze or lay the nose Flute. Also, you could not wear sunglasses so you could never be cool. Beyond that, all that mucus in the sinus cavities would either go into the chest or leak out the ears. Well, that's the reality of it. You're not a doctor so you cannot disagree with me. So there. Shut up. Anyway, you'd be essentially be the geeky allergy ridden kid in the chess club but instead of sneezing out the front, you'd sneeze out the sides in stereo.

Without eyes, you'd be blind and unable to wink. You'd run around aimlessly without knowing where you're going. So you'd essentially be a German Tourist. (I was in a wedding last week and some German Tourists made fun of me and my wedding party because the guys were in kilts. Well, BEHOLD MY REVENGE. Stinking German Tourists. In case anyone is wondering why I'm baching German Tourists, instead of those aweful Dutch ones, which are just as bad.)

Without eyebrows, one would look like a chemo patient or someone who's played around with a bush fire/bunsen burner and scorched off their eyebrows. So, you'd be a mad scientist or a redneck.

So life without a face would be a combination of being a photosynthesizing dead Amish mute, the geeky allergy ridden kid in the chess club, a German Tourist and a mad scientist or a redneck. What would one get if one adds all these components up?

Mute amish zombie + geeky German redneck = Marco Hietala (The bass player for the Finnish band Nightwish). He definitely looks like a zombie and is certain a Finnish redneck, which is pretty close to Germany. Cosmically speaking...So now we know what life would be like without a face. You'd be playing bass in a Finnish Rock band.

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The taste of the tempting...

I'm currently working through a Sunday School class where the class is sorting out some implications of God's self-love. Last week, we started getting into the 'tough stuff' and were talking about God's providence. As class got into the real fun stuff (God's governing providence and natural and specific evil), things got really tense, as they often do. Ideas abounded and comments came freely, and I caught myself reflecting and wondering why it is that the things that are the most empirically obscure are the things that everyone wants to know the most?

I mean, I often get into discussions and debates with non-Christians and the problem of the loving and sovereign God and evil comes up as much as the attacks on Biblical Creation. So many non-Christians approach the problem of God and evil as this anvil upon which all apologetics are smashed and yet even the best scholars don't have a systematic and comprehensive answer for the dilemma. There are definitely some GREAT answers out there, but I constantly wonder how the anti-theist ignores all their gigantic philosophical and epistemological dilemmas and focus on one major 'mystery' of Christendom; the specific plans of God. I mean, secular philosophy has all but abonded questions of epistemology, orgins, metaphysics and everything else...they don't believe that there is any absolute truth, they don't believe that there are true answers to any question, they don't know who they are, why they are here, or even if there is a 'here' in the first place...BUT they demand to know the hidden purposes of God. Is that ironic or what? Hmm...I have a several hour drive coming up in a day and I suspect that I'll have some more time to reflect on this. None the less, mankind is pretty silly and hypocritical, at least in the areas of intellectual pursuits:

"We don't believe that there are any answers to anything but we demand that you give us the answers to the ultimate questions!"

Ha! Life sure must be frustrating for the Pagan...that must be why there's so much entertainment. If one removed the entire entertainment and professional sports and music industries so that all that free time would be spent as time to reflect and think, there would probably be a lot more depressed people in wait. Almost everyone is already depressed. I guess there'd be a lot more crime and suicides...hmmm. I'll have to think more on this. Any comments from all you folks who laid it down on 'the truth about E'? I know you're out there! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Truth About E Revisited...

Okay seems that some people in the world were extraordinarily confused and offended by a recent post that talked about a phenomenon called a “righteous dump”. I’ll explain the “righteous dump” in simple terms: It’s telling someone that you’re not interested in them and backing up thje rejection with a string of compliments. Here’s a hypothetical conversation (with Jack and Jill) to illustrate the idea further:

Jack: Jill, I think you’re a fantastic girl and I’d love to get to know you better. I don’t want to be confusing or deceitful with intentions and I want to honour you before the Lord, so I’m going to be up front with things. I’d like to get to know you more because I have a romantic interest in you and I’d love to pursue that avenue of our relationship.

Jill: Well Jack, I’m flattered. My girlfriends and I were all reading Becoming together the other night and talking about the characteristics of the man that God esteems, and your name kept coming up. Every time the bible talks about 'the man of God', myself and my friends think of you. We all agree that you’re the most godly man we know and my brother looks up to you as a role model. Susan was commenting on how she learned that you were volunteering at the low income housing project and we were all impressed at how you didn’t tell anyone because we figured that you didn’t want to trumpet your 'righteous deeds'. Mary was commenting how she was learning so much at your Bible study and how she was amazed at how you knew the scriptures so well that it seemed like you had half the Bible memorized. Beth was also encouraged about how you led her cousin to the Lord and Jenny made the comment that "whoever ends up with that Jack will be one lucky girl." You’re such a fantastic guy too; God has really blessed me by bringing you into my life and I cherish our friendship. You’re funny, sweet, caring, well mannered, intelligent, humble, patient, kind, and most of all you have a heart for the Lord and obeying his word. You’re well grounded in your faith and, as far as I can tell, spiritually mature and a tremendous man of God.

Jack: Uh, wow…I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know you thought that way about me. Uh…yeah…that's so...

Jill: (interupts) Thought what way about you?

Jack: Well...uh...reciprocated my affections.

Jill: What? What are you talking about? I don’t like you in that way Jack! You’re more or less God’s gift to women, but I’m totally not interested in you. Man…date you? Eeew!

Jack: Okay. I’m confused here. You just told me how I was the greatest guy in the world and yet you’re talking about me like I’m the plague. I don’t understand what’s occurring here.

Jill: What do you mean? I simply don’t like you in any way shape or form. I’m not actually repulsed by your touch, but please don’t touch me none the less.

Jack: So you give me compliment after compliment and then tell me that all those 'perfect parts' don't add up to a desirable whole?

Jill: Jack, you’re trying to apply reason to the feminine mind. You obviously don’t understand either love or women. Don’t worry though, some day God will bring that special someone to you and then you’ll still be confused, though blissfully so.

Jack: What? That doesn’t make sense! If I’m such a fantastic guy, what’s going on here?

Jill: Well Jack, Deepak Chopra once said “while there are roses on the ground, one must dig deep to get the diamonds”.

Jack: Deepak Chopra?!

Jill: Don’t interrupt! Jack, you’re a rose. You’re pretty and all, but I can get twelve of you for like $20. I want a diamond. I want a guy who’s going to take a lot of work; who needs to be dug for and cut and polished. The more you work for something, the better it is once you finally attain it.

Jack: So you want a fool that you can fix up and turn into a godly man? Beyond that, don't you know that all diamonds start as a lump of coal? Do you want a lump of coal? I can understand wanting a diamond and all, but also doesn’t God make diamonds out of coal? And what if God just GAVE you a diamond and saved you years of trying to do his work?

Jill: Well, if someone gave me a diamond, I’d keep it! For Pete’s sake Jack? Do you think I’m brain-dead? A FREE diamond? You know someone who is giving away diamonds? Where?

Jack: Are we still using an analogy or are we talking about jewellery now?

Jill: I cannot believe that you know someone who is giving away free diamonds. You’re nuts and ever since I dated that guy who claimed to be Pope Leo IX, I don‘t date crazy people!

Jack: I am starting to think that your brain and mouth are on seperate frequencies...

Jill: Free diamonds! Why would anyone ever give diamonds away for free! That’s so nuts! I’ve gotta go and tell Beth about that! What in the world! Free diamonds?! (turns around and walks away, dialling on her cell phone)

Jack: Wow. I cannot figure out this love thing for the life of me. Jill sure was strange about this. I wonder if this is what Ecclesiastes 7:28 is talking about? I sure hope not! (laughs to self and walks the opposite direction)

So, I hope that this illustration makes things clear. Now that everyone understands the ‘righteous dump’, we can all get on with our lives…Free diamonds? What a preposterous idea! Wait until I tell Mark about that! HA! Until Next time,

The Armchair...wait a moment. Almost forgot to be sensitive to my other readers!

Okay, if this offends the girls out there, the conversation works equally well if the roles are reversed except that Jack uses an illustration about sports or computer games to shoot down Jill and comments several times, in tactless ways, about how she could stand to lose weight and is not as hot as another girl in the youth group who is known for her, uh, 'availability'...especially at the back of the church bus/van/janitors closet on the way to ski trips/youthquake/conferences/choir tours/missions trips/Urbana/service projects/a potluck/the washroom during a boring Sunday School lesson/whatever else.

And before anyone suggests that I threw a hint in that list about some personal short coming at church, I have NEVER skipped out of a boring Sunday School lesson and made out with the youth group skank in the janitors closet...

...we made out in the baptismal...during the service...for the entire sermon...

It was the first time my mom ever grounded me from going to church. Live life on the edge...Until next time,

The Armchair Theologian