So Nimm Denn Meine Hande...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Chuck Norris on Chuck Norris Jokes...

Thanks to Andrew Lily for this post. Here's Chuck Norris' take on the Chuck Norris joke phenomenon.


Have you heard of the "Chuck Norris Facts"?

There are more than 50,000 jokes making their way around the Internet that purport to be "facts" all playing off my movie roles as a "tough guy" and my history as a martial arts champion. But they aren't "jokes" to those who spread them – they're "facts."

Here are a few of my favorites:

  • "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
  • "Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."
  • "Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris."

These "facts" have become a phenomenon – a fad spread mainly by young people of high school and college age. It's hard to explain why these things happen – how they take on a life of their own.

Naturally, over the past couple years as this wildfire has been raging, people have asked me, "What do you think of all this?"

My answer is always the same: Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. And, thankfully, most are just promoting harmless fun. (But be careful if you go searching for "Chuck Norris Facts" on the Internet, because some are just not appropriate for kids.)

Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of the craze of "Chuck Norris Facts." It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. I'm so grateful for my fans. Who knows, maybe these one liners will prompt some one to seek out the real facts about me and the beliefs that have shaped my life and my career.

While I have as much fun as anyone else reading and quoting them, let's face it, most "Chuck Norris Facts" describe someone with supernatural, superhuman powers. They're describing a superman character. And in the history of this planet, there has only been one real Superman. It's not me.

Let me illustrate using a few of the claims being made about me in the various lists of "Chuck Norris Facts":

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises."

I've got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn't always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God. We also need other people.

If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know. I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.

- Chuck Norris

Here's the original link. Anyway, I guess I've gotta stop with the Chuck Norris jokes! DOH! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Friday, October 27, 2006

My Testimony...

Many people have asked me, from time, about how I came to know the Lord, and I often give them my "boring" testimony (mostly because I don't want to really tell them my "I am an idiot" testimont), but I've recently started to "hollywood up" my testimony in order to more greatly display the glory of God in my life. I've embelished some of the details, but only for the sake of evangelistic impact. So, here's my testimony for those that are interested...kinda:

I was raised in a Christian home by Christian parents. I made a committment to the Lord early on, but by the time I was 3 I had fallen into horrible apostasy. I was running "candy" in the sandbox at several local playgrounds, hustlin' hoes on the side with a kissing boothe in the basement of the unfinished house next door and running a Big Wheel chop shop out of my parents garage. I had a paper route monopoly over my entire subdivision, with dozens of newspaper carriers working my land, and not a single bottle went unreturned in my hood. I put the "Price" in "Fisher Price". I was rolling in mad cash, with controlling shares in Chuckie Cheeze, my very own OshKosh stocked closet and my own Ferarri in the garage (308 GTS), though my liscence was a decade and a half away. I used to pack a small callibre deringer in my huggies for protection, cause even back THEN people were straight COLD to the playa.

I had a bunch of high school muscle on the payroll and I ruled every elementary school in the city. We even collected dues from the Russian Mafia preschool, and put the fear of ME into those perpetrators at the Hillside Academy, the local Christian school.

I was 50 pounds of wicked in 40 pounds of flesh.

Then one day, after a life of sniffing adult strength tylenol off an etch-a-sketch and "playing doctor" with half the girls in the neighborhood, I realized that my life was empty. I threw aside my frivolous pleasures and went searching for answers. I travelled to Tibet and spend several months in a Buddhist monastary, studying Buddhism and Shaolin Kung Fu, but the emptiness in my heart remained. I travelled to Utah, getting into a Mormon Sunday School program for several months, but the emptiness in my heart remained. I came down to Hollywood and hung out with Chick Corea and John Travolta, talking about scientology. I dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on auditing, but the emptiness in my heart remained. I tried every other religious system I could find, but the emptiness in my heart remained. Finally, as my chauffeur was taking me home, I stopped off at a VBS at a small country church.

I heard a great sermon on "sharing" and I broke down as the Lord got my heart. I was crying, but it wasn't the normal "I'm hungry" crying or the "I got a boo-boo" crying. It was spiritual crying, and my little 2 ounce heart was shattered. I understood that Jesus died for me and only in him could I leave my Pee-Diddy life behind. So, by the strength of God I left my gansta life, sold my various global real estate, donated the money to missions and committed myself to a selfless life of preschool piety and elementary school evangelism.

And though it's been sweat and tears, I and the Lord's been walking tall eva since...Word!

Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


On a day that I'm fasting, of all things, I get talking about this with my prof in class. Apparently we both think Das Dutchmen Essenhaus is the greatest restaurant in the world. What is going on? Sheesh! ARGH! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Sunday, October 22, 2006

My Map Analogy...

I often get into discussions, and even debates, with Christians and non-Christians about creationism/evolution in all it's various hues and colors, and one of the things that comes up the most is the tossing around of "evidence" on both sides of the debate. Many creationists throw their "evidence" at the evolutionist and can't understand why he cannot see the forrest for the trees, and vice versa. I also often use an illustration about the nature of data, explaining why this happens, by talking about a map and how maps work.

I've wanted to post this for a while (It's been in "draft" status...i.e. "forgotten about" for like a month) but I have never gotten around to it. So, this kinda comes out of nowhere, but I'm going to simply post a quote of something I said about "the map analogy" along with what I often use for examples. This also is my original thought, so rip me off all you want but I'd appreciate the honor of a citation if you rip me off. I was debating someone a little while ago on evolution; specifically the nature of data and evidence. We throw those terms around so loosely and more often then not mean "data" when we say "evidence". Anyway, instead of re-typing the whole thing, here's the quote:


Well, when I look at the data, I don’t see 4 billion years. But then again, that’s just it: DATA only becomes EVIDENCE when it’s interpreted.

Take a map for example. A map is a whole bunch of lines, shapes, colors and symbols. It could be a road map, a star map, a neurosynaptic map, etc. Now I may look at a map and say “hmmm. I don’t have a clue what this is but I’ll try to decipher it.” I could examine the red lines and think “Hmm, well, these look like roads” and suspect that they’re roads. I could look at the purple “x” marks and think “these must be railroad crossings”. I could go through all the symbols and sort through everything and apply my logic, as best I can, to decipher the map.

But how would I KNOW I was correct?

I’d have to check the legend. The legend is the “key” to the map, which tells me what the lines, colors, shapes and symbols mean.

And when I look at the legend, THEN I have a authoritative basis for interpreting the data of the map.

I’d suggest that if the Bible is true, then it’s the “legend” of creation. It’s the “key” to make sense of everything; and not just morally. The Bible gives us a general foundation for the operation of both ‘hard’ and ’soft’ science; it allows us to make sense of the "data" of the entire universe and see what's what and how it all fits together.

When the Evolutionist examines the map (creation) without refering to the legend (scripture), they misinterpret the data. They see things as they are, but their understanding is horribly misaligned.

So when an Evolutionist examines a fossil record, he thinks “well, I understand how silt is laid down and I understand how pressure works on soil (etc.)” Then, he takes his observations and attempts to make a working interpretation of the fossil record to understand it.

But without the solid foundation of scripture (they eyewitness account of the only living eyewitness), the understanding of the Evolutionist is misaligned.

When I, the Christian, look at the same data, I take the SAME observations. I remember how silt is laid down and I think about pressure, but then I also remember that God says something about a worldwide flood in Earth’s past where EVERYTHING died. Then, I factor in the flood and say “Hmm. This flood helps explain other things like polystratic fossils, or how a dead organism survives long enough to even BE fossilized without being eaten or decomposed.”

Working from the same data, but DIFFERENT foundations, the Evolutionist and the Creationist see different interpretations of the data. In the words of the analogy, we see the same map but we use DIFFERENT LEGENDS to understand the map. The Christian looks at the legend on the map and the non-Chrisitan simply rejects the legend on the map and makes a new legend up.

So I don’t see the earth as appearing 4 billion years old. I don’t see fossils giving the “illusion” of evolution. I see the earth looking several thousand years old and I see the fossils screaming at me that God judges sin.

WAY different conclusions!


So, heres some pictures and maps. See if you can tell what they all are without the legends, but there is NO wiggle room; you've gotta be either 100% or nothing. Know what the map is a map of, where it's from, what the colors mean, etc. I'm also putting them in order of difficulty, with the easiest one first. I'll eventually post the answers after a few days, and we'll see how close anyone can get to getting them all! I'd turn this into a contest, but I have now prizes or anything. BUT, the person who gets the closest can maybe choose the next post topic or something. HA! Have fun all!

Okay. Now that I'm back on "serious post" mode, this should make for some fun times! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Something for Kirk Trew...

All right my Homedawg. If a picture is worth a thousand words, Here's Webster's Collegiate Dictionary in pictures:

Yeah. Father Ted Crilley kicking Bishop Len Brennan in the butt...That will be funny until the day I die. Bed Time! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

...Nuff said...

I'm sure they're all looking down from glory and smiling. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theology

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Grace upon Grace upon Grace upon Grace...

50 years ago, Grace Community Church opened it's doors for the first time. There were 27 people there, and they originally met in a home. Evenatually they bought some farmland (which is now and built a church on the land. In 1969 a 29 year old seminary graduate applied for the pastoral position, but he had some interesting conditions:

1. He wanted 30 hours a week for study (because he was unwaveringly convicted to exposit the bible to the congregation)
2. no talk about salary (he figured if God wanted him there, God would provide)

The congregation agreed (especially to the first, which by today's standards sounds really strange) and John F. MacArthur Jr. preached his first sermon. Apparently he used to talk a mile a minute, but 37 years later some of the founding members agree that he's gotten better.

Now that little church of 27 is somewhere around 8,000-8,500 and their worldwide influence is simply staggering...but I'm not going to shoot off all the numbers about tens of millions of teaching tapes, or books, or dozens of schools they're started. Tonight what really impressed me was going out for burgers with some of the college kids from the Bible Study I'm co-leading (as of this week...yippee!) and sitting back and listening the inevitable talk about "relationships" turn into a 4-woman lecture (to 4 men) about "practical techniques to get things off the ground" (i.e. - how to tell "if she likes you" and where to go from there...).

Now for those Moose Javians, Toontowners, C-Towners, PGers and Edmontonians who've ever been on my receiving end of the lessons of beauty, romance, flirting, propriety and the biblical nature of relationships, you all know that I have a few ideas about all that stuff (someone in Victoria just laughed). Some of you have got the "relational continuim" talk. Some of you have had the "Trinity and submission" talk and some of you have had the "God's shopping list" talk.

I didn't give any of those talks tonight. The girls all beat me to it. I was not too shocked, but definitely delighted at how the fruits of one man's 37 year ministry of simply teaching the Bible, week in and week out, has actually made a bunch of college girls wise. They got it. Not only that, but they talked appropriately to the guys; not as stupid men but as brothers in the Lord who need help understanding some very difficult subject matter. There was joking, but basically no condescension. There was bluntness, but not impropriety. There was conversation without flirting. I wouldn't say that ministry here is hard, it is actually harder; just not in the way that I'm used to. Instead of spending a majority of my time giving the right answers I've got to concentrate on setting the right example. A majority of kids at Grace Community Church already know the right answers; they are looking for confirmation from leadership more than anything. (Do they really believe that and does it really work?)

I remember sitting in a restaurant, several months before I left Canada, and having the same talk with several women who were, on average, probably 7 years older than the girls I was listening to tonight (and no...none of them read this blog, in case you think it's you). The women at the restaurant were the "godly" women of their churches, and they basically didn't see how the scripture taught much on relationships, short of 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (i.e. "date a Christian guy and don't forget to pray!"). Absolutely no understanding of the relationship between sufficiency and efficaciousness of scripture and relationships. No understanding of God's trinitarian example of love and submission. No understanding of the straightforward biblical didactic passages on qualities that God esteems in a godly women (though most of them had read Proverbs 31, they all thought it basically mean "Be a Chrisitian Martha Stewart"). Lots of disjointed and jumbled bible trivia, but no coherent biblical worldview.

I was contemplating how different two groups of women, both from "Christian" circles, see what is arguably the most common conversation topic among 20-somethings. One sees the Bible giving some "good ideas" about relationships, here and there, where as another sees the Bible as giving "clear teaching" all throughout the Bible that can be understood and synthesized into a whole. What was the main difference? A man who understood, in 1969, that 2 Timothy 4:2-5 was a command, not a suggestion...and 2 Timothy 4:2-5 makes a serious difference to the lives of college-aged women.

And God is gracious. He grants wisdom and maturity to those who feed upon his word.

πασα γραφη θεοπνευστος και ωφελιμος προς διδασκαλιαν προς ελεγμον προς επανορθωσιν προς παιδειαν την εν δικαιοσυνη
ινα αρτιος η ο του θεου ανθρωπος προς παν εργον αγαθον εξηρτισμενος

Never let up. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Friday, October 13, 2006

Check it out!

Okay. I'm SUPER cool now! I have a team blog! Best recognize!

GO HERE for choclatey goodness and theology! The Canadian Tri-Personhood of Dork, Geek and Beast will wow and amaze you with their infrequent posts and observations! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

What I really learned from Thomas A Kempis...

Man. Last night I smoked through An Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis in a little over 2 hours, then took all my quotes and assembled an evaluation paper. I did the typical "theological evaluation" and "examination of his views of the Eucharist and Soteriology" and everything, but after reading it all I ended up thinking:

I'm so blessed that I wasn't born before the reformation. I cannot imagine how horrible life would have been when laity's access to the scriptures was forbidden, the priesthood was a circus of simony (another good name for a metal band) and the corporate church was essentially apostate. I mean, God preserved his remnant in all periods of time, but certain times were definitely dark. I was caught imagining being born into Gaul or South America (especially in 1400 AD) and not ever knowing Christ...

...Then I all of a sudden made the leap from "Man I'm blessed to be here, now, with all this" to the pressing global need for missions. As I was pondering Kempis, I realized that he's basically as good as anyone can do without the gospel: insanely obsessive personal piety and a works-based righteousness that leads one to throw every effort into the mortification of evil beheviour without any power to mortify evil desires. I mean, Kempis was the man of his day. Even the pope bowed and kissed his hand when they met. He was the most pious and spiritual monk around, but sin isn't conquered by sweat; it's conquered by blood, and every last drop at that...hence we need someone else's blood. (to atone for sin...and then imputed righteousness to become our rightousness)

I guess reading spiritualists of other cultures and faith systems is important in that it reveals the lostness of man. Kempis had really no understanding of grace, though he talked about it lots; grace to work harder to mortify the body, grace to stand against wickedness, grace to persevere, but never grace in justification by faith apart from works of the law. His grace was just "extra power from on high" to do what he didn't have enough power to do on his own. And I have talked with Catholics, Mormons, Buddhists, Moslems, Jehovah's Witnesses and Ba'hai, and that's the same boat they're in; God wants me to keep his commands and he'll possibly empower me for that feat.

They all don't get Romans 3:10 - "Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin."

And the best and brightest of their philosophers, monks and accademics all are unable to see that, short of a work of divine grace to illumine their minds to the glories of Christ:

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation" - Colossians 2:21-22 (bold and italics mine)

If only Thomas knew the ministry of reconciliation, completed by Christ's real death on the cross, perfect and complete in power and efficaciousness, administered to God on his behalf and appropriated by faith alone in the person and work of Jesus Christ.. Only in that sense can Paul then say:

"We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." -Colossians 2:28-29

I'm thankful that God has revealed himself to me and granted me to live in an era where the truth was loudly professed and I could learn with essentially unrestrained access to information and truth, but so many know so little about things that are SO important. So much vanity from so many voices and so many searching for any sort of salvation. I'm starting to ramble, so that's my cue for bed. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Confessions of a Malfunctioning brain...

Well, I’m not really sure whether I should be posting this on my theology blog or my, uh, non-theology blog. So, I’m kinda doing both. The Armchair Geek is guest starring on the Reflections of a Rogue Brain today. Now that the explanation is over, here’s the post:

Now those that know me, you know that I seldom dream. I don’t know why, but I suspect that it’s because me own brain is unable to survive the insane on goings of my subconscious. BUT, every now and then, the bizarre ranting of my subconscious leaks into my conscious mind when I sleep. That happened last night.

I woke up this morning from a dream about being involved in a strange, strange “ministry”. I don’t know if this is thoughts of ‘seminary life’ bleeding over into my dreams, but I dreamt that I was involved in a crazy-go-nuts “ministry” called RTB Ministries international. That would have been not so bad if “RTB” meant “Read The Bible” Ministries or “Reach The Buddhists”. Not even close. “RTB” stood for “Rhyming about Things that Bite”.

It was a ministry that was involved about meeting the “need” of people to know all about the dangers of animals that bite, and to announce those dangers via rhyme. Apparently there were lots of missionaries all around the world whose missions careers were cut short because they were killed by animal attacks. So someone started a ministry to help educate missionaries about the dangers of being bitten by animals and being killed on the mission field…and that apparently had to be done with rhyming.

I was part of a short term missions team that went to some foreign country (like India or something like that) and stood in a marketplace telling rhymes to beware of Wildebeests and snakes and whatnot. And there was a crowd of hundreds that were listening intently, hanging on our every word about the dangers of animals that bit.

We also “ministered” in a local church, telling several rhymes of various pentameter, about the dangers of animals that bite. Many maulings were prevented for the kingdom. Praise the Lord! Then I woke up.

What the freaking heck is wrong with me? I’m praying it was a stupid dream…but I woke up laughing because it was at least an entertaining heresy. I’m not sure it's reflective of some deeper misunderstandings but I’ll mention it to someone I esteem and see if they think it’s a serious danger. I’m a closet heretic! HA! HA! Okay. I’m officially crazy. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Rhyming Antibeastiomasticating Missionary. (I just made up another word, though I suspect I did it wrong)

Monday, October 09, 2006

Reflections upon the homes of the saints...

I've had two fellas from Canada at my place this weekend. Jesse is from my the College and Career at my church in Saskatoon and Steve is his traveling partner. They're on like a 2 month road trip and they contacted me a few days ago, asking if they could crash at my place. Anywho, we explored Burbank a bit and I took them to Grace Community Church on Sunday. We also explored Beverly Hills and Bel Air and tried to get to Rodeo drive but couldn't because it was shut down due to the filming of some show. Dang it!

But, tonight I dragged them along to a birthday party in Valencia of a friend I met from The Masters College (like 3 weeks ago) and they were kinda hesitant to crash a Canadian Thanksgiving/birthday party with a bunch of people they didn't know. I actually was also hesitant, as I'm not one for having to 'perform' in large crowds (i.e turn my 'goofiness' up to 11) and end up breaking the ice for everyone...though I kinda did. You're all welcome. I'm not actually that stupid in real life, but laughter definitely lightens up a room a lot.

As we finished eating, one of the girls suggested that we all go around the table and say what we're thankful for. We ended up all saying our things and then Steve commented that "it's so amazing to be 2,500 miles from home, in the house of people I've known for all of two hours, eating their food and talking with relative strangers, but for some reason, have it be all cool. We stayed with some non-Christian friends in San Fransisco and they were hospitable and all, but since we have a bond in the Lord it's like being with family. I didn't think I'd be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with family while I was traveling, but God had other ideas!"

I nodded in agreement, for I was secretly thinking the same thing but didn’t want to say it for fear of sounding cheesy. But that’s so fantastically true. Being around Christians, eating and sharing and laughing together is fantastic. It’s really weird how Christ in my heart gravitates toward Christ in the hearts of others, and I got thinking:

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." – John 13:34-35

It is one thing to let a total stranger crash on your couch, but it’s another to love them, share your home with them, share yourself with them and show genuine affection to weary brothers. I would guess that if we did that a lot more, we wouldn’t need to spend so much time arguing with cynics and skeptics about the faith. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Saturday, October 07, 2006


I think things are kinda sorted out now. Now this is a team blog between me and myself. Sheesh! At least I kept the archives and the address. OKAY! To bed with me. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Friday, October 06, 2006

Important words one needs to know...

Well, those of you that know me know that I sometimes make up words when I cannot think of the "right" word to say...and that's not always a good thing. Either way, here's some good terms I've recently (or not so recently) started using that you may enjoy stealing:

1. Calvangelism: "The idea that the 5 points of your own understanding of Calvanism (which most likely has little or nothing to do with the positions of John Calvin) is the gospel and anyone who isn't a 5.0000 pointer is reprobate and most likely in a small group lead by Shelby Spong."

2. Freedamentalism: "The concept that the fundamentals of the faith were catalogued in 1910 but not actually published until 1989 where they appeared in a work entitled Absolutely Free."

3. Evangellyfish: "The Christian who apparently believes plenty but takes a stand on absolutely nothing unless someone else is making a stink about it and has written a book about it that can be purchased inconspicuously at Costco and doesn't offend any ordained lesbians."

4. Glistening Prayer: "The concept that one can actually hear the voice of God, possibly audibly, but definitely through vision, impression, circumstances, chance, sheer whim or anything else that requires 'being conscious', if one prays until one breaks into a sweat and makes God an ultimatum to 'speak to me or else...'."

5. Sola Glossalalia: "The much forgotten reformational doctrine that somehow, speaking in tongues is necessary for salvation or any other secondary work of the finding a spouse or knowing which pair of jeans to buy."

6. Mono Cellutis: "The idea that ignorance about doctrine, church history or the Bible somehow makes one more spiritual. The less 'spiritual brain cells' one has, the more 'real' and 'humble' a person is. See Verus Potissimus."

7. Antihermeneutianism: "The strong opposition to the presence or practice of biblical hermeneutics, especially in the avenue of discovering actual propositional meaning in a biblical text that may be applied and even necessarily obeyed." (*gasp*)

8. Verus Potissimus: "A little known doctrine stating that the most important virtue to all is to be 'real'...i.e. wear personal and moral flaws like a badge of honor and doing everything possible to make all people feel like they're more mature and biblically literate than you." (even though you're supposed to be the pastor with the 3 graduate degrees) See Mono Cellutis"

9. SuperSoCalSeministicJohnMacExegesis: "The phenomenon of thinking that any debate, over anything from theology to tennis to tournament bass fishing, is settled if one simply quotes a sermon/book/blog article/conversation of John MacArthur."

10. SuperSoCalNeuralPitstickJohnMacEisegesis: "The closely related phenomenon of thinking that any idiotic idea whatsoever can be spoken ex cathedra by finding it, regardless of context, in a sermon/book/blog article/conversation of John MacArthur." (Even though you're unknowingly quoting John Arnott...)

Now you'll all know what I'm talking about next time I say this stuff! Hooray! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Bill and Ted's Ecclesial Adventure...

Okay. Due to some craziness that can be only described as "God's sovereign hand", I'm running on around 1 hour of sleep today. It's not that I stayed up or anything...I went to bed last night and had the worst insomnia I've ever had. I lay in bed, wide awake, for like 6 hours before I finally dozed off. I don't know what was up with that, and I think I'm going to take my body in for warranty repair. None the less, as Cheryl Dyck would say, my "booze gland" is in full effect.

I had historical theology today and as we were talking about the Cappadocian Fathers, I all of a sudden had a thought starting to form in my mind. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure would have been tres cooler if the would have gone to a Christian school and done a project on "champions of the faith". Then, once class was done and I was trying to work on my homiletics stuff, that thought turned into a full blown day dream...

Bill: This dude is Athanasius! We was a gnarly little dude who was known as the "Black Dwarf" by his haters, he was like the big Kahuna in Alexandria for like 45 years, dude!

Ted: Totally! Listen up San Dimas! Athanasius was like totally the Sammy Hagar of the early church, grabbing the mic from a monster celebrity and then fully going solo and cutting some killer tracks!

Bill: His most bodacious album was Against the Arians, which is sorta like an ancient version of Rage Against the Machine's debut albumn; totally taking the ideas of his day and punching it in the face!

Ted: That is most certainly an exquisite comparison Bill!

Bill: Thanks Ted! He wrote Against the Arians to tackle the heresies of a most heineous heretic, Arius, who like Brian McLaren presented a most monumental threat to the church!

Ted: Arius totally belonged to the ancient Watchtower and Tract Society, and taught that Jesus was like fully a created being and not actually God; a most bogus heresy!

Bill: But Athanasius was most triumphant in condeming Arianusm at the Council of Nicea in 325 AD!

Bill and Ted: EXCELLENT! (insert air guitar lick)


and so on and so on...

I need some sleep. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Fast Facts about the contents of Oscar Meyer Weiners:

Kirk T-Dawg, I took the liberty of taking a study break and finding the following MySpace pages of the TNB (Theological Nutcase Battalion...not "TBN", though they're basically the same thing):


Jesse Duplantis

Joyce Meyer

Benny Hinn

Kathryn Kuhlman

Smith Wigglesworth (The dead have MySpace pages?)

Paula White

Joel Osteen (who says he doesn't identify himself with the nutcases? He's on EVERYONE'S friends list!)

Paul Yonggi Cho

Reinhard Bonnke
(already 20+ million people "saved" in Nigeria alone? Wow. Turning out sheer numbers like that, he should be working with the Southern Baptists!)

And on and on...I'm feeling nausious. Back to the books! Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian

My What Now?

Okay. I kinda get that the world is growing more fickle and silly by leaps and bounds. For some reason, many people think that the internet is a credible source of information and don't seem to use books much anymore (and don't seem to think too much). It's pretty much hard to escape entertainment, what with tv on cell phones now, mp3 players everywhere and high speed wireless on just about everything from refrigerators to raincoats.

But there's something I cannot figure out. What's the deal with MySpace? I mean, I don't get it. I don't have a MySpace account (nor plan to get one), but I don't understand the purpose. I mean, the banner at MySpace says "A place for friends" and whatnot, and I assume it's some form of "online community", but I don't get how it works. I mean, consider the following page of some friends of mine (no offense're just a random for "Saskatoon" on MySpace and you're like 5th down the page)

Now these are some good dudes that I know from home; friends.

Looking at their page, they have 4,311 other friends. Oh really? Do you have 4,311 friends that you hang with regularly?

Of course not.

But everyone wants to be on StereoTrap's friends list so they're cool.

And then, looking at the comments, it seems everyone says something along the lines of:

"Hey. You are cool. Thanks for the add."

What the heck? That's SOME form of deep communication. That's the foundation of a meaningful friendship.

So what is MySpace?

Is it a community? Well, in the most basic sense of "a mass of people", yeah...except without geographical proximity or physical presense. It's like the digital equivalent of smoke signals. What a gong.

And I admit that there's a whole lot of irony in the fact that I'm blogging about how stupid MySpace is. BUT, I hung out with one of my seminary friends for most of the day. THAT was good times and actual fellowship, so my hypocrisy isn't complete.

No wonder so many kids are so suffering. If you are caught in sinful patterns of behaviour and struggling with depression/acceptance/etc, you no longer have to hammer through your problems at school, or with your parents, or at church (AS IF!)...oh no. You can get online with 5,000 other equally disfunctional kids and bask in your problems on some crazy vampire/death metal/psycho goth webring on MySpace.

'The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' - Genesis 2:18.

And yet, with the benefits of technology, we are enabled to go to extreme efforts to isolate ourselves and seek out lonliness.

Isn't it ironic that sin seeks to reverse every good thing God has every done, and then whine about the results? So, I'm gonna make an effort to get to know 2 new people this week and do something social with them where I steer the conversation to weighty matters on purpose. Sounds good. Until Next Time,

The Armchair Theologian